Reflections (part 1/1)

♡ Location : Hogwarts - Characters : SS, HP - Warnings : None ♡
- this story is NOT part of my "usual scenario and settings" -

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Reflections


There was no way in Azkaban this was gonna happen! None what so ever!

Severus was looking at himself in the mirror, that Albus for some insane reason had put in his cupboard, with the words that it would be safe from horny teenagers there.
Well, he wasn't a teenager, that was true...but as far as the reflection could tell, it stopped there. His reflection was rare to anyone who knew the "most sucsessfull potions master in modern history". Not only did it picture the man accompanied, witch in itself was a strange change in behaviour. In addition, he was smiling.
The grumpy feeling he had inside wasn't visible in the reflection, and he couldn't help wondering how it felt. He looked truly happy, and not being able to recall the feeling that brought upon a heart, made him sad. But the reflection didn't change. He couldn't stop staring - stop wondering. If the reflection of that other person would have changed to this as well, if he was told about this.

No!! It was NOT gonna happen. It was wrong, and it had to go away! Now!!

He knew what the other persons reflection was, only by reputation. Ofcourse. In the beginning that had been the main reason Albus had put that damned mirror in his cupboard. He had been told that noone needed to be reminded of things that could never be real. Dreams and longings of people long gone, was never healthy, the mirror was better left in a place where he was sure not to look for it. That had been Albus' last words before he'd flooed back to his office.
It was twelwe years ago. Albus was dead and burried, and headmaster Snape, had after some time got to the understanding that cleaning up corners and cupboards in his dungeons was nesessary. After all, he had been warned that the Ministry would be celebrating his 50th birthday in a few weeks, beeing this young, and headmaster, and greatest potions-master and everything. Sadly, he knew that the day would be a disaster no matter how much he cleaned and got rid of all his old rubbish. The representatives from the ministry, his co-headmistress Minerva, and co-potions-teacher and Slytherin-head of house Angie Greadle, would be the only ones there, and he would be grumpy as Azkaban, and make it unbearable to stay. They would all stay for the obligated two hours, and then leave him, to remember how he really was destined to be - alone.
Unless...

No!! How hard could it be for his totally narrowed mind to get to the understanding??! This_had_to_stop!! Noone in his right mind would want him. Especially not a 25 year old world famous wizard,who could get anyone he wanted!!!

He did look into the mirror again, hoping that his reflection had changed, that he had been able to tell himself a believeable truth this time. But no. This time the younger fellow had his arm around his waist. It was only getting worse.

It felt like his hart was tearing apart. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Not of longing or love, but need. Need to be depended on. To be longed for and wanted. To be needed. He had felt like this for quite some time, without understandind. He had cared for the young man since he had been born, and he had cared for his mother when he was a teenager, and he had been totally destroyed by his father, during his own years as a Hogwarts student, but this feeling, now, after so many years. This was hard to swallow. Hard to get a hold of, and to understand.
He hadn't been blessed with a single friend between Lily and Albus, and he had braced himself to be alone when Albus died. Because of him. He had ended his only friends torments, by taking what was left of his life, and everyone else had hated him for it. They had no clue. He had been ordered by his only friend, to get rid of him, and he had, as always, obeyed. And he had been alone ever since. Not that he had been a swell kind of friend in the first place, he didn't know how to do that, but he had had someone. Someone who would worry if he disappeared. Now, he had noone.

He was used to have aquaintanses more than friends, and there was always those who wanted to discuss with him, he was after all a brilliant Potions master. He was used to the other professors talking to him occationally, and when they didn't, he had grown to find amusement in watching other people, students as well as co-workers. Just looking at them, eating, talking, beeing part of the community. And he had come to an understanding, that this was how he at first had discovered the complexe nature of the young man beside him in his reflection. Those broad shoulders. That strong jaw, and his beautiful hands....

No way!!! This is turning in the wrong direction!! Wrong!! Wrong!! Wrong!!

He had left school after sixth year, fought the war with his friends by his side, and he had managed. He had been the one to live, the other one had not survived. The prophesy had ended in his favour. And Severus knew he had helped. Not been too important, but he had been part of it. His long lost love for Lily, and his own strong memories for her, had helped.
After recovering, the war-hero had gone into hiding in his house on Grimmauld Place, and he had been working for the order, or what was left of it, until his strength was fully recovered. After that he had been part of some secret group in the Auror-departememt. Severus knew this only because he was headmaster, and because he had wanted the supernaturally good wizard back on his staff. Completely professional to start with, but at the moment he wasn't so sure where his mind was focused.
They had come to an agreement in bringing him back to have special defence classes for the entire crowd of students.
There had been questions in the beginning, about this new subject, and ad it had been explained, it had come to an understanding among the students that this was the new "Dumbledores Army". Inside Severus had smiled. On the outside, he had given the young man what he believed was the closest to a comforting look he could manage, as he knew they both missed the former headmaster unberable, every day. And he had returned the look. No defencive laughter, or frantic smile, just cocern. And that had been it. From that day, he hadn't been able to look in his direction wthout longing.
It had taken quite some time before he had realized, and even some more time to admit it to himself. And now. Now he just wanted to forget. To shut everything away and get rid of it all. There was no way in Azkaban, that he would want.....no way!

The reflection now showed the young man kissing his forehead, and it was almost as he felt the lips, as he turned over to grab a box for his old candles and other useless stuff he had found in the cupboard along with the mirror. That damned mirror, he thought to himself, and slid onto the floor in front of it.
He watched the two men closely, and tried to copy the happy face his reflection had. It felt wired, as his lout twinched into what was supposed to be a smile, but it had even wierder effect on his stomac. He coil hardly recall the butterfly-feeling, from his years with Lily, but there was no mistaking it. There was no way this could be fought, he had to face the trut. He was falling in love, and it was doomed even before it had started.
How could a man his age attract a man half his age. How could there be any part of him that was attractive at all. He was scarred, old, and worn uot. Noone in his right mind would ever come to fancy this, not even close to. He had been a death-water, a spy, and he had killed. He had been a mean, and feared teacher, he had withou in is years found pleasure in tormenting students with his cruel detentions, and he wasn't even able to smile. How could anyone, ever...
His heartvfelt like a rock, and as he looked up, to face his reflection once again, he found the young man sitting beside his reflection. Holding his hand. Again his reflection smiled, and he tried to copy it. It was still hard as Azkaban, but this time it felt more like it, and the butterflies returned instantly. His heart skipped a beat, as he saw the reflection of Albus appearing behing the two sitting beside each other. Albus was not smiling. He looked concerned. Severus wanted to ask him why, but discovered his troath was tight, and tears running down his cheaks.
Albus looked down at him, and in a low voice, he said a few simple words...at first you will have to learn to love yourself, Severus dearest. And with a concerned smile he wanished again.

He sat back dumbstuck, any realized the man was right. As always. He had begun a long journey four years ago, and realized that the sole he had tried to conjure today, was part of it. Not even he himself, would love a man that didn't know how to smile. And as he put all his thoughts and force into it, a real smile spread across his face, matching his happy reflection down to the smallest detail.

What do you see?

Happiness, love and warmth, Severus answered.

Me too, said the voice, before he realized it wasn't in his head. He was sure it came from his right side, and he didn't dare to turn, in fear of being disappointed. Instead he told the voice, that things like that, come in many different shapes. The voice asked if his reflection had ever changed. If his desires had ever been different, or if he believed it able to change. He didn't dare to speak his answer out loud, and merely whispered thewords in his head, while telling himself harshly that this was all in his head, this was exactly the kind of conversation he would have with himself, just to please his own desires and make his mind shut up before he went to sleep. He realized how much he must sound like a girl, making up stories to still his mind.
Yes, the voice answered..you do sound a bit like a girl, but that's okay. Better girl than goat. Excuse me??! The voice in his head was mocking him! This was not okay..well..maybe it was entiteled to mock him. After all, he was not worth much more..
The voice sobbed, and told him otherwise. Told him that the part of Severus that wasn't constantly telling himself off, was in fact kind of attractive...

That's it! This storytelling in his head HAD to stop! He was in no way an attractive man, in any sense of the word. He was neither kind, caring or nice. Farther less attractive... The voice interrupted him, andtold him to open his eyes and look at the reflection in the mirror.
That damned mirror, he thought to himself, he should have broken it when he first saw it, earlier, when he started to clean out this place.
But he looked. The reflection hadn't changed too much, other than that the two men had returned to be standing again. Side by side. Severus' reflectionheld out his hand for the younger man, and he took hold of it.
Severus could have sworn someone was grabbing his hand, as he saw it happen in the mirror. The voice asked him if he would believe the truth when he saw it, and - as a man of a certain age, Severus couldn't deni that. After all, there was little he could do, if proof was handed to him on a silver platter.
The voice talked again. It told him, that once, almost 13 years ago, he had been standing in front of this mirror and seen himself with his parents. The mirror had then been moved, and the time he looked into it, it had shown him what it was like to be trusted, and he had found a secret only he could have found, because his headmaster had trusted it with him. He had nearly been killed, but survived because of his love. A love he couldn't remember, and never had fully believed to be for anything good. At least not for anything other than keeping him from being killed, time after time.
The voice trembeled, and continued shaking, telling the story of a man who used his love to save him, eight years ago. A man who had seen change, and stilldidn't believe it could happen again.
Severus stood dumbstruck looking at his reflection, as he discovered something moving to his right. He started feling the warmth of another person, as he remembered the love he had felt, and the memory he had used to conjure the doe patronus, that night in the forest.
He hadn't thought of days with Lily, or his denied love for her...he had used a memory, way stronger than that. The memory of a small boy, sitting on the edge of the bench at the Gryffindor-table, smiling. The boy he cared so much for, was alive, eleven years old, and was finally home. Severus didn't even care he was crying. It felt good to have said the words out loud, even though there was noone there to listen.
All of a sudden, Severus felt a hand, and fingers twingling in, and tighten in. There was no way no way this was all in his mind. He turned right, just in time to see him step out of invisibility.
The next thing he heard, was the voice. His voice. Telling him that his reflection had changed too. Four years ago.
At first it had changed into showing only him, alone, and simply smiling. Being happy, able to smile, and not feeling agony for all of those he hadn't been able to save.
"Then it had changed again. You came closer. I tried to make it go away too" Harry said, "but I learned that only those who find piece in their heart, and learn to forgive themselves, are able to be loved. I've watched you fight this feeling for some time. From this moment of, you have two options. You can either tell me to leave now, and we'll fight it in fair distance of eachother, or you can accept that I've grown to see you as a beautiful man, that I love, and would like to get to know everything about. I'll watch you learn to love yourself, and help you get there, if you would let me, and I want to be part of your life. Today, tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives.
Watching you struggling to smile like your reflection, prooves to me that deep inside you really want this, and to be honest....I think our reflections are quite similar these days. I sure know, that if you let me in now, it wouldn't change that much...it'll only be more true to reality."
Severus had never let go of Harry's hand, while his other hand was covering half his face. He wondered silently, how on earth he was that easy to read, as Harry answered in a soft voice "You aren't...but I learned from the best." He gave the hand he held on to, another firm squeeze, smiled unsure, and then he leaned in and kissed Severus soft. He held silence for a moment, and then he asked whispering..."so, you in, or must I go jump from the owlery now?"
Severus answered the question with a kiss, and smiled unsure, trying to match his reflection once again...